I have been reading a lot about meditation lately. I have practiced meditation since I was pregnant with my first child nearly twenty seven years ago. I was told by a very enthusiastic mid-wife that it would help with the pain and allow me to have a more comfortable and drug free delivery. It was drug free, but definitely not comfortable.
I tried for a long time to meditate in the way she had taught me and finely came to the conclusion that her way didn't work for me. She had instructed me to sit cross legged on the floor and clear my mind. Have you ever tried to sit cross legged on the floor in the late stages of pregnancy? It can be done, but it's not great for your circulation, or your ability to get off of said floor when your meditation time is over. Have you ever tried to intentionally think of nothing? Every thought you have ever had comes begging for attention, competing with the pain and numbness spreading through your legs.Yup, wasn't working for me.
I set out to find my own way, as I usually do. I found that by finding a focal point, a place or object in the room to look at, I was able to concentrate on the way I was breathing. Breathing deeper, and not holding my breath through the pains that the pain was reduced. Don't misunderstand , it was the worse pain I had ever known, more than I could have imagined, but it was almost , almost tolerable. Knowing that it will end helped.
After that I began to work on a system that would work for me for stress reduction and just to have a break, a little me time in a busy and stressful life. I found that sitting in a comfortable position that didn't restrict blood flow helped. Breathing deeply and smoothly I would let the thoughts come and go with out paying any attention to them. Like a puppy wanting attention, they would go away when I didn't engage them. After a period of time I could begin to be unaware of my body, unaware of where my body ended and the rest of the universe began.
I would spend some time in timelessness and drift back to normal. This was a great way to get centered and relaxed. It made dealing with what I had to deal with easier. I could look at things from a calmer and more serene place.
Life gets in the way and we all leave things that we shouldn't by the wayside. So it was with me and meditation. I had more children, life went on. Now I am thinking it is time to get back to me and what is best for me. I have dabbled in guided meditation, but my imagination is just to vivid. I listen to the voice and see what they are saying. I am so busy exploring this imaginary place that there is no relaxation or letting go.
Letting go and accepting what is. That is a valuable lesson. Letting go or accepting what is does not mean giving up on changing the way things are, it means accepting that at this time in this place things are as they are. You can't always control the circumstances that you are in. you can not control what other people do or say. You can control how you react. You can control what you say and do. You can control what kind of person you are and who it is that looks back at you from the mirror.
I don't know if you somehow snuck it into my head how to meditate when I was a a child, or luckily came by it naturally, (I'm sure you're at fault in there somewhere too :P), but I remember "meditating" on that cement drain pipe by "Big foot Island" in the woods behind our house. I would sit with my legs swinging freely, lean back on my arms, and stare at the tree tops, willing myself to meld with the stone beneath me, the wind around me.... until little by little it seemed to be so. Just that feeling/nonfeeling of slipping your skin and your heartbeat thrumming in your head along with the pulse of the earth until you can't tell which is you and which is the earth anymore... And when you slowly float back down and become aware of your flesh and bones again, there is a brief time of total and complete peace. You feel shiny and as pristine as a newly minted penny. Thank you Mom, for reminding me of this. It has been entirely too long since I've done this... With the state my life is in, I could really use this. Love you Mama. :)
ReplyDeleteOh, btw, great writing!