Dealing with a chronic illness sucks!

     Anyone who has dealt with a chronic illness has an idea just how bad some days can profoundly and completely suck. Today has been one of those days. My legs hurt, my eyes burn and I am exhausted. Even writing is an effort today. I will blame the weather this time. Storms rolled through tonight bringing with them a massive headache and cramp in the legs. I have had a lot, too much; time to think about this…so now I will share it with you.  

    My first reaction upon hearing what had been plaguing me all this time was relief. Sounds crazy but I was just happy to put a name to what I had been feeling. I wanted to scream out loud, “See! I AM sick. It’s not all in my head and I am not lazy!”

   After that I think I started to grieve. I grieved for the future I thought I was going to have. I had thought to be an eccentric old woman growing veggies and flowers and yelling at kids to stay off my lawn. I can definitely still pull off the eccentric part, I can probably yell at kids, but my plants will probably be in pots. I can have a normal life span with a little luck and a lot of care on my part. During this time I also felt very alone. I would try to talk about how I was feeling but not much came out. I couldn’t seem to express how I was feeling and felt like no one cared. I know that it wasn’t true, but when you are depressed you believe those mean little voices.

     I seem to be slowly coming to terms with things a little now. Days like this when it’s hard to walk and I hurt kind of drag me down a little. I have a support group of people who truly understand what I am dealing with because they are too. I am also lucky to have people in my life that make the fight worth-while.

     As my daughter said to me once, “I can’t blow sunshine and rainbows out of my ass All the time, now can I?” Well today was not a sunshine and rainbow day.  Today was stormy and just all around sucky. Here’s hoping that tomorrow is better.