Did I mention that chronic illness sucks?

Well, it does. It has been almost a year since my last post and let me tell you, a lot has changed.

I have moved across the country, lost friends I thought I would grow old knowing. I have been disappointed and learned who I need in my life and who to let go of.

I've written a book, the first of many I hope.

I am on a journey to define myself in a different way than I once did.

I always felt my worth was directly connected to what I could physically do for others.

I have had to rethink that.

This illness, these illnesses, have changed the dynamic of my life completely.

auto immune disorders never come to the party alone.

I've been diagnosed with Lupus, Sjogrens syndrome, Renaults syndrome, IBS, Gerd, PTSD, and the list goes on.

The flares come and go, Just over four months ago I took a train alone across more than half the country. If I hadn't been in so much physical and emotional pain I would have loved the trip.

It's a special kind of embarrassment when you have to ride a cart from the train to the front of the station because you just can't walk.

I used to be strong. I could work more hours than anyone I knew and did. I had so many irons in the fire for so many years that I wouldn't have been surprised to meet myself in the hall. I wanted more than anything to teach my kids that you could and should take care of yourself. I knew too many mothers that depended on welfare to survive, and anyone who has ever had to depend on that knows that you don't get enough to live, and it'll be taken from you before you can stand on your feet.

I never wanted my kids to hear the words, "I can't do (insert opportunity to better your situation here) , I'll lose my benefits." and they didn't.

This illness has been creeping up on me through the years. looking back I had episodes, flares, all my life. I remember the first time I couldn't swim as far as I wanted. I now know that these disorders were the cause of many lost pregnancies and I carry the guilt of wondering what I may have passed on to the children that I was able to bring into this world.

Here are the big lessons I have learned in the past year.

Most people won't take the time to learn about your illness. Even people you think are your friends.

Hold on to the ones that do.

No matter how much you don't deserve it, some people will kick you when you are already at rock bottom. Don't let them keep doing it.

No matter how much you have given, how much love, support, encouragement and understanding you heap on some one, some people are never happy, never satisfied. That's a fact and you have to let go.

Even if it's your best friend, even if it's your grown child.

The number one lesson I have learned so far is to be grateful. To never give up in despair. To cherish those people in your life that make your life bearable in your darkest times and always try to make sure they know what they mean to you. And finally, you absolutely must nurture yourself. Understanding that you deserve respect and kindness is key.   

 

 



Autumn

    It’s that time of year, The air is crisp and cool. The holidays aren’t quite here, so we can take a moment to watch the leaves turn colors. We can appreciate the changing of the season before the insanity of the busy holiday season sets in and ruins the quiet peace that this time of year can bring if we pause for a moment to see it.

    In our house this is the time we can start to talk about the food that we’ll be making soon. Hearty pots of chili, southern style, thick and spicy, potato soup, chicken and dumplings. hearty heavy food to comfort you and make you glad the weather is cooler. Time to pull out the comfy sweaters and boots..

       Thanksgiving is on the horizon, thanksgiving is not only about the dinner, it’s about the people. The ones that you miss, the ones that you are lucky enough to have around and the ones too far away but close in our hearts. Any one who knows my family knows that we are not a traditional family. We don’t say a prayer before the meal, we go around the table and name something each person is grateful for. This is some thing that we should do everyday.

      I’m starting my gratitude list early this year and intend to try and think about what I am grateful for every morning before I start my day. I am grateful for my friends that have stood by me through a very hard year and for my children that make me so very proud to be known as their mother. I think that is a very good start. What are you grateful for?

   As I said in an earlier post, living with a chronic illness sucks! I’ve been a bit overwhelmed lately. Finished with finals, had a major shift in household population, for the better, and am still fighting my way through a flare.

Just my thoughts today.

 

   Watching the political ads has become painful, but like a train wreak I can’t look away. Many of these ads, especially the more negative ones are just insulting. Who are these things marketed too? I really feel as if my IQ loses points every time I sit through one of the really negative ones, the ominous voices and dramatic horror movie music. The stark” want to be bad documentary” footage of the opponent with the happy bright colors for the politician endorsing the ad.

     And then there are the idiotic childish terms that are brandied about, Libtard, Tea baggers, and Obumer just to name a few. What kind of example are we setting for the future generations when adults are name calling and acting like little kids with bad manners. If I had acted like this as a child I would have been in trouble and rightly so.
     The worst of the worst do nothing but down the other man , they don’t even make a case as to how they will do things better.Just some vague mention of how this guy ruined it , but not how they can do a better job or what they intend to do to make it better. I’m tired of hearing how this one or that one has failed. I want to know what can be done to fix it.
Most people are smart enough to know that we didn’t get to this point overnight and we won’t be waking up the day after election day to a magically repaired country, no mater who you think should win. It will take time and it will take sacrifice.
    Mr.Romney recently said that he wasn’t going to worry about the large percentage of people who depended on the government because they would never vote against President Obama. That statement worries me.
Most people don’t want to be dependant on any one. Getting help is the last resort. The only people living a life of plenty on welfare are the ones cheating the system, the ones who have money coming in from other sources and not reporting it. The average person that receives help doesn’t get enough to actually get by with the basics.
     I would love to see any of these politicians that talk about people on the government dole to try to live just one month in these people’s lives. Choosing between needed medication and food, chooseing between your pride and sleeping inside. The families that are one paycheck away from losing their home and have to feed their children food they know isn’t the best just to keep a roof over their heads.
     I would like to believe things would change if the reality of the average american was really understood by the men who claim to have the countries best interest at heart. Who ever wins the election , the country still loses if the parties don’t stop the bickering and game playing and start working together for the good of all americans.

Politics

 

  

 

 

     It’s hard to believe that there are people that still think our president is Muslim. I just watched a video on at http://gothamist.com/2011/10/03/video_hank_williams_jr_compares_oba.php.  This is the video of Hank Williams JR. comparing Obama and Boehner playing golf together to Hitler playing golf with Netanyahu. At the time I thought that too much was made of his comment, though I did find his comment to the female host a little creepy. When Natalie Maine’s of the Dixie Chic’s said that she was ashamed the president Bush was also from Texas, many people were in an uproar.  This is still America where we are supposed to have freedom of speech. There was a marine that spoke up at the time that truly impressed me. I don’t remember his name, but I will always remember what he said. “While I may not agree with what Miss Maines said, I will die for her right to say it.”  That touched a patriotic spot in me.

     Just recently Mr. Williams said, “"We've got a Muslim for a president who hates cowboys, hates cowgirls, hates fishing, hates farming, loves gays, and we hate him!". According to one of the articles I read that the crowd gave a cheer when he said this, though far from a unanimous one. I still have to respect his right to say any crazy old thing he wants too, but none of us have to agree, and I do not agree.

    Does anyone truly believe that President Obama is a Muslim? He is not but so what if he was? As long as he doesn’t base his actions as president on his own religious beliefs I wouldn’t care what religion he followed or if he followed one at all. There is supposed to be a separation of church and state. Any church. And yet every candidate has been asked if they believe in Jesus.
 
  “Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between man and his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legislative powers of government reach actions only, and not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should "make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof," thus building a wall of separation between church and State.” Thomas Jefferson in a letter to a Committee of the Danbury Baptist Association, Connecticut, January 1, 1802

   As far as Mr. Williams view on the gay community, I think maybe he protests too much. What reason could anyone have for having such hate for a group of people that cannot and don’t want to harm you? Fear perhaps? Ignorance? Both?

    I am obviously not a republican, I am not a democrat. I am an American who is seriously concerned at the direction the country is heading. It seems that the main concern for each party is to beat the other party, while the country and the common people suffer.

    While I don’t agree with everything President Obama has done as president, I am even less pleased with the movement to block anything he tries to do just so he will fail, whether or not it is what is best for the country.

    I have lost much faith in the government, but stubbornly still believe in the USA. Thomas Jefferson said, “We in America do not have government by the majority. We have government by the majority who participate.” So let’s participate. If you can’t vote for a candidate then vote against what you do not agree with.  

 

  

Just for fun

I have been so busy with the real world that I have neglected my promise to post often. I have finals coming up so I will be writing my self silly after that is done.

To understand totem wolf symbols, one must first understand the heart of the Wolf. This takes time because the Wolf has had to endure many false stereotypes, misconceptions and misunderstandings.
Not at all the picture of ferocity or terror, the Wolf is a creature with a high sense of loyalty and strength. Another misconception is that of the “lone wolf.” To the contrary, the Wolf is actually a social creature, friendly, and gregarious with its counterparts.
The Wolf is an incredible communicator. By using touch, body movements,eye contact, as well as many complex vocal expressions – the wolf makes his point understood. Those with totem wolf symbols are of the same inclination – they are expressive both vocally and physically. Those who have the wolf as their totem animal are naturally eloquent in speech, and also have knack for creative writing.
A quick-list of totem wolf symbolic attributes include:

• Intelligence
• Cunning
• Communication
• Friendliness
• Loyalty
• Generosity
• Compassionate

Totem wolf symbols belong to those who truly understand the depth of passion that belong to this noble creature. The Wolf is a representative of deep faith, and profound understanding.
Further, the Wolf possess a high intellect, and have been observed using strategies about hunting, habitat and migration.
In history, the totem Wolf symbol appears with the founders of Rome, Romulus and Remus. Legend has it that the two founding brothers were raised and suckled by a she-wolf.
In Norse mythology, the Wolf is a symbol for victory when ridden by Odin and the Valkyries upon the battlefield.
As a Celtic symbal the Wolf was a source of lunar power. Celtic lore states that the Wolf would hunt down the sun and devour it at each dusk so as to allow the power of the moon to come forth.
In Asia, the wolf guards the doors that allow entrance to heavenly, celestial realms. The Wolf is also said to be among the ancestry of Genghis Khan.
When this gracious creature appears to us, and serves as a totem in our lives, the Wolf beckons us to ask these questions:

• Are you thinking about a different form of education?
• Are you being a true friend, and are your friends being true to you?
• Are you communicating yourself clearly to others?
• Are you being loyal to yourself?
• Are you incorporating strategies and planning to achieve your goals?
• Are you spending enough quality time with yourself, friends and family?

Information found at; http://www.whats-your-sign.com/totem-wolf-symbols.html I enjoyed the site and it was a lovely vacation from the things I have to do today. If you have a spare few minutes go and find out what your totum anumal might be. Enjoy.
Back to the grind stone for me

Todd Akin

      I HAVE to comment about this. Missouri Rep. Todd Akin Says that he misspoke when he said, “from what I understand from doctors pregnancy after rape is really rare.” and “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. A true rape would prevent an orgasm from occurring and thus make conception unlikely.” Ok, I have to ask, what doctor would ever tell anyone that? Really! So explain how it is that the female body can “shut that whole thing down.” What exactly is she shutting down and how is that done? Well let’s teach women how to do this shut down voodoo and make contraceptives unnecessary. Later he wrote on twitter that “all of us understand that rape can result in pregnancy & I have great empathy for all victims. I regret misspeaking.” (A study in the American Journal of Obstetricians and Gynecologists found that rapes result in more than 32,000 pregnancies each year.) He also said that a true rape would prevent an orgasm from occurring and thus make conception unlikely. ….What! Seriously?!
        He didn’t miss-speak. You miss-speak when you mix up a word. He thought he knew what he was saying. I can’t believe that a man who is supposed to represent so many people could be so misinformed about such a basic biological function as conception. Doesn’t this man have a staff? Aren’t there researchers that are supposed to at least give these politicians the bare facts? Almost any junior high or high school kid could give you a better understanding of how conception occurs than this elected official. What is a legitimate rape anyway? Is it not rape if the victim is not beat all to hell? Can labeling it forcible or not forcible make it somehow less traumatic for the victim? Rape is rape.
       President Obama hit the nail right on the head I think when he said In his press conference today, “ So what I think these comments do underscore is why we shouldn’t have a bunch of politicians, a majority of whom are men, making health care decisions on behalf of women.”

Child of Suicide

       The child of a suicide, that term always bothered me. My mom was a suicide. No, my mom was a woman in horrible pain, emotional and physical. When do people get defined by their death? If someone is killed in an auto accident they don’t become an accident. Even as early as my mother’s funeral I heard the term. The preacher, who had never met her, used it in his eulogy. He hoped that in the two hours that she lived with the bullet in her chest that she repented and asked for forgiveness so that she wouldn’t spend her eternity in hell as suicides must. Nice. Let’s put that thought in a fifteen year olds head, like your mom putting a bullet in herself wasn’t disturbing enough. I knew a lot about death and loss even at that age, lucky me. I had dark thoughts too from time to time, but I had my grandfather, I had the river and woods, I had books. It was enough.
      I was angry for a very long time. Not just angry, pissed, seriously and royally pissed. How dare she quit? How dare she leave me? Well, the world doesn’t revolve around you little girl. My life experiences up until that point had already taught me that. Her suicide just confirmed it in a very tangible way. I didn’t really even know her and I think that was what pissed me off the most. Now any chance of knowing her was gone, unchangeably and irrevocably gone, written in stone, so to speak.
      I’ve out lived my mother by thirteen years. The year that I was the age she was when she died was a shit kicker of a year. I never imagined myself being older than she was when she died. When I would think about being older, it was a big blank nothing. I had children, so I couldn’t just quit. I was already dealing with pain in my joints and chest that came and went with no reason at all. Same as she had. The difference was that as tired and frustrated as I got at times, I never wanted to die. I’ve come to believe that she didn’t want to die either; she just wanted the pain and uncertainty to stop.
      I have forgiven her over the years as I have faced hardships and heart breaks. Living can be hard! I have also come to know that it wasn’t up to me to forgive her. I needed to forgive her for my own peace of mind. It wasn’t about me. It wasn’t my fault. I didn’t need to carry that, it wasn’t mine to carry.
      I guess the bottom line is I have something that she didn’t have. I have people I care about and love and who care about me and I have the hope that it will get better