Did I mention that chronic illness sucks?

Well, it does. It has been almost a year since my last post and let me tell you, a lot has changed.

I have moved across the country, lost friends I thought I would grow old knowing. I have been disappointed and learned who I need in my life and who to let go of.

I've written a book, the first of many I hope.

I am on a journey to define myself in a different way than I once did.

I always felt my worth was directly connected to what I could physically do for others.

I have had to rethink that.

This illness, these illnesses, have changed the dynamic of my life completely.

auto immune disorders never come to the party alone.

I've been diagnosed with Lupus, Sjogrens syndrome, Renaults syndrome, IBS, Gerd, PTSD, and the list goes on.

The flares come and go, Just over four months ago I took a train alone across more than half the country. If I hadn't been in so much physical and emotional pain I would have loved the trip.

It's a special kind of embarrassment when you have to ride a cart from the train to the front of the station because you just can't walk.

I used to be strong. I could work more hours than anyone I knew and did. I had so many irons in the fire for so many years that I wouldn't have been surprised to meet myself in the hall. I wanted more than anything to teach my kids that you could and should take care of yourself. I knew too many mothers that depended on welfare to survive, and anyone who has ever had to depend on that knows that you don't get enough to live, and it'll be taken from you before you can stand on your feet.

I never wanted my kids to hear the words, "I can't do (insert opportunity to better your situation here) , I'll lose my benefits." and they didn't.

This illness has been creeping up on me through the years. looking back I had episodes, flares, all my life. I remember the first time I couldn't swim as far as I wanted. I now know that these disorders were the cause of many lost pregnancies and I carry the guilt of wondering what I may have passed on to the children that I was able to bring into this world.

Here are the big lessons I have learned in the past year.

Most people won't take the time to learn about your illness. Even people you think are your friends.

Hold on to the ones that do.

No matter how much you don't deserve it, some people will kick you when you are already at rock bottom. Don't let them keep doing it.

No matter how much you have given, how much love, support, encouragement and understanding you heap on some one, some people are never happy, never satisfied. That's a fact and you have to let go.

Even if it's your best friend, even if it's your grown child.

The number one lesson I have learned so far is to be grateful. To never give up in despair. To cherish those people in your life that make your life bearable in your darkest times and always try to make sure they know what they mean to you. And finally, you absolutely must nurture yourself. Understanding that you deserve respect and kindness is key.