Todd Akin

      I HAVE to comment about this. Missouri Rep. Todd Akin Says that he misspoke when he said, “from what I understand from doctors pregnancy after rape is really rare.” and “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. A true rape would prevent an orgasm from occurring and thus make conception unlikely.” Ok, I have to ask, what doctor would ever tell anyone that? Really! So explain how it is that the female body can “shut that whole thing down.” What exactly is she shutting down and how is that done? Well let’s teach women how to do this shut down voodoo and make contraceptives unnecessary. Later he wrote on twitter that “all of us understand that rape can result in pregnancy & I have great empathy for all victims. I regret misspeaking.” (A study in the American Journal of Obstetricians and Gynecologists found that rapes result in more than 32,000 pregnancies each year.) He also said that a true rape would prevent an orgasm from occurring and thus make conception unlikely. ….What! Seriously?!
        He didn’t miss-speak. You miss-speak when you mix up a word. He thought he knew what he was saying. I can’t believe that a man who is supposed to represent so many people could be so misinformed about such a basic biological function as conception. Doesn’t this man have a staff? Aren’t there researchers that are supposed to at least give these politicians the bare facts? Almost any junior high or high school kid could give you a better understanding of how conception occurs than this elected official. What is a legitimate rape anyway? Is it not rape if the victim is not beat all to hell? Can labeling it forcible or not forcible make it somehow less traumatic for the victim? Rape is rape.
       President Obama hit the nail right on the head I think when he said In his press conference today, “ So what I think these comments do underscore is why we shouldn’t have a bunch of politicians, a majority of whom are men, making health care decisions on behalf of women.”

Child of Suicide

       The child of a suicide, that term always bothered me. My mom was a suicide. No, my mom was a woman in horrible pain, emotional and physical. When do people get defined by their death? If someone is killed in an auto accident they don’t become an accident. Even as early as my mother’s funeral I heard the term. The preacher, who had never met her, used it in his eulogy. He hoped that in the two hours that she lived with the bullet in her chest that she repented and asked for forgiveness so that she wouldn’t spend her eternity in hell as suicides must. Nice. Let’s put that thought in a fifteen year olds head, like your mom putting a bullet in herself wasn’t disturbing enough. I knew a lot about death and loss even at that age, lucky me. I had dark thoughts too from time to time, but I had my grandfather, I had the river and woods, I had books. It was enough.
      I was angry for a very long time. Not just angry, pissed, seriously and royally pissed. How dare she quit? How dare she leave me? Well, the world doesn’t revolve around you little girl. My life experiences up until that point had already taught me that. Her suicide just confirmed it in a very tangible way. I didn’t really even know her and I think that was what pissed me off the most. Now any chance of knowing her was gone, unchangeably and irrevocably gone, written in stone, so to speak.
      I’ve out lived my mother by thirteen years. The year that I was the age she was when she died was a shit kicker of a year. I never imagined myself being older than she was when she died. When I would think about being older, it was a big blank nothing. I had children, so I couldn’t just quit. I was already dealing with pain in my joints and chest that came and went with no reason at all. Same as she had. The difference was that as tired and frustrated as I got at times, I never wanted to die. I’ve come to believe that she didn’t want to die either; she just wanted the pain and uncertainty to stop.
      I have forgiven her over the years as I have faced hardships and heart breaks. Living can be hard! I have also come to know that it wasn’t up to me to forgive her. I needed to forgive her for my own peace of mind. It wasn’t about me. It wasn’t my fault. I didn’t need to carry that, it wasn’t mine to carry.
      I guess the bottom line is I have something that she didn’t have. I have people I care about and love and who care about me and I have the hope that it will get better

Nicotine Addiction

http://www.dustie.com/antismokingimages.htm

       I have been trying to quit smoking for some time now. I have quit a thousand times. Cold turkey, the patch, the gum, and classes just to name a few methods I have tried. None have worked in the long term yet. I say yet because I refuse to believe that addiction is stronger than me. I look the addiction square in the eye. “Do you know what I have been through in my life? I am stronger than you!” If only breaking an addiction was as simple as just having will power. I know I must quit or accept that my life-span will be cut short. I find that unacceptable, so I battle on against my personal demon.
     I have named him Nikodemis. He’s a sneaky little devil that works in the back ground. He’s the reason I find myself half way through the first cigarette of the day an hour before I meant to. I am trying a reduction method now that seems to be moving along nicely after a few setbacks. Nikodemis is throwing a kicking screaming hissy fit when I text a friend and avoid that oh so tempting cigarette after supper because according to my reduction plan I have an hour and a half before the next smoke. Late at night after the last cigarette has been extinguished he bargains with me. One more won’t hurt anything, you can skip one tomorrow, or the no one will know if you have just one more. It will help you relax. Logic is a weak weapon against a demon that knows you so well. Nicotine is a stimulant. It affects the pleasure centers of the brain. It may feel relaxing but it is not, otherwise your heart rate and blood pressure wouldn’t rise when you smoke and decrease when you don’t. Evil little lying smoke bug demon. When my small support system is busy and doesn’t have time to ‘talk me down’ is the worst. That is when Nikodemis amps up the psychological warfare.
      I originally started smoking to fight hunger pangs. I wasn’t dieting, just busy. Stupid reason to start smoking, I know. But is there a good reason? It became a self-medicating technique and that is why it is so difficult to quit. My brain tells my body that it wants it, maybe even needs it. Another lie, But it feels so true when you are sitting alone and the pack seems to be everywhere you look. I stuffed it under my pillow so I couldn’t see it. Wait five minutes for the craving to pass, curse Nikodemis profusely. Whatever works until the craving fades, until the next one hits. I have a plan, I’m sticking to it.

On Meditation

     I have been reading a lot about meditation lately. I have practiced meditation since I was pregnant with my first child nearly twenty seven years ago. I was told by a very enthusiastic mid-wife that it would help with the pain and allow me to have a more comfortable and drug free delivery. It was drug free, but definitely not comfortable.
     I tried for a long time to meditate in the way she had taught me and finely came to the conclusion that her way didn't work for me. She had instructed me to sit cross legged on the floor and clear my mind. Have you ever tried to sit cross legged on the floor in the late stages of pregnancy? It can be done, but it's not great for your circulation, or your ability to get off of said floor when your meditation time is over. Have you ever tried to intentionally think of nothing? Every thought you have ever had comes begging for attention, competing with the pain and numbness spreading through your legs.Yup, wasn't working for me.
     I set out to find my own way, as I usually do. I found that by finding a focal point, a place or object in the room to look at, I was able to concentrate on the way I was breathing. Breathing deeper, and not holding my breath through the pains that the pain was reduced. Don't misunderstand , it was the worse pain I had ever known, more than I could have imagined, but it was almost , almost tolerable. Knowing that it will end helped.
     After that I began to work on a system that would work for me for stress reduction and just to have a break, a little me time in a busy and stressful life. I found that sitting in a comfortable position that didn't restrict blood flow helped. Breathing deeply and smoothly I would let the thoughts come and go with out paying any attention to them. Like a puppy wanting attention, they would go away when I didn't engage them. After a period of time I could begin to be unaware of my body, unaware of where my body ended and the rest of the universe began.
     I would spend some time in timelessness and drift back to normal. This was a great way to get centered and relaxed. It made dealing with what I had to deal with easier. I could look at things from a calmer and more serene place.
    Life gets in the way and we all leave things that we shouldn't by the wayside. So it was with me and meditation. I had more children, life went on. Now I am thinking it is time to get back to me and what is best for me. I have dabbled in guided meditation, but my imagination is just to vivid. I listen to the voice and see what they are saying. I am so busy exploring this imaginary place that there is no relaxation or letting go.
     Letting go and accepting what is. That is a valuable lesson. Letting go or accepting what is does not mean giving up on changing the way things are, it means accepting that at this time in this place things are as they are. You can't always control the circumstances that you are in. you can not control what other people do or say. You can control how you react. You can control what you say and do. You can control what kind of person you are and who it is that looks back at you from the mirror.

On Writing

      I read recently that there is no such thing as an aspiring writer. You write or you don’t. You may not be a good writer,or a published writer. these things you can aspire to become. But if you write you are a writer, if you don’t, you are not, and never will be. I write, therefore I am a writer. That’s right, I am a pen-monkey. I found that phrase referring to writers and I love it.
      Some of what I write will be terrible, that’s ok, Mama loves all her babies, even the terrible ones. I just won’t be showing those off to company. Like children ,some times stories are badly behaved little monkeys, running and climbing and spouting bits of wisdom out-of-order. If you work with them, love them and keep trying they will settle down and you can start to put a little order to the chaos. You can cajole the quiet ,shy ones to whisper their secrets. I think that is true for most things. If you do what you love,and put in the work, it will get better. That’s what I tell my self every time that blank piece of paper is laughing at me.

Dealing with a chronic illness sucks!

     Anyone who has dealt with a chronic illness has an idea just how bad some days can profoundly and completely suck. Today has been one of those days. My legs hurt, my eyes burn and I am exhausted. Even writing is an effort today. I will blame the weather this time. Storms rolled through tonight bringing with them a massive headache and cramp in the legs. I have had a lot, too much; time to think about this…so now I will share it with you.  

    My first reaction upon hearing what had been plaguing me all this time was relief. Sounds crazy but I was just happy to put a name to what I had been feeling. I wanted to scream out loud, “See! I AM sick. It’s not all in my head and I am not lazy!”

   After that I think I started to grieve. I grieved for the future I thought I was going to have. I had thought to be an eccentric old woman growing veggies and flowers and yelling at kids to stay off my lawn. I can definitely still pull off the eccentric part, I can probably yell at kids, but my plants will probably be in pots. I can have a normal life span with a little luck and a lot of care on my part. During this time I also felt very alone. I would try to talk about how I was feeling but not much came out. I couldn’t seem to express how I was feeling and felt like no one cared. I know that it wasn’t true, but when you are depressed you believe those mean little voices.

     I seem to be slowly coming to terms with things a little now. Days like this when it’s hard to walk and I hurt kind of drag me down a little. I have a support group of people who truly understand what I am dealing with because they are too. I am also lucky to have people in my life that make the fight worth-while.

     As my daughter said to me once, “I can’t blow sunshine and rainbows out of my ass All the time, now can I?” Well today was not a sunshine and rainbow day.  Today was stormy and just all around sucky. Here’s hoping that tomorrow is better.

On This Day in History or Happy Birth-Day Will

Today I bring you a list of important or interesting facts and events . Here are just a few. On this date in;

• 1876 – Thomas Edison receives a patent for his mimeograph.
• 1966 – South Arican Broadcasting bans Beatles (Lennon’s anti-Jesus remark)
• 1969At a zebra crossing in London, photographer Iain Macmillan takes the photo that becomes the cover of the Beatles album Abbey Road, one of the most famous album covers in recording history.
• 1974 President Richard Nixon, in a nationwide television address, announces his resignation from the office of the President of the United States effective noon the next day.
• And the most important single event to ever happen on this date was Will gracing this planet with his presence , Happy Birthday Will!

I AM

I am

I am a daughter, sweet and obedient, rebellious and stubborn.

I am brave and I am afraid.

 I learn.

 I am.  

I am a teen, filled with angst and frustration, creativity and ideals.

I am filled with moral indignity and the need to spread my wings.

I learn.

I am.

I am a young wife, devoted and in love, disappointed and lonely.

Love should not hurt, love should strengthen.

I learn.

I am.

I am a mother, amazed and humbled, Changed forever and afraid

Enchanted and overcome with love.

I learn.

I am.

I am the sole provider, the teacher, the moral compass, the protector.

I am strict and careful, joyful and silly, and tired.

I learn.

I am. 

I know love, true and strong. I know family, holidays and celebration.

I know illness, I know death, and I know loss.

I learn.

I am.

I know rebuilding life. I know finding strength when I am spent.

I know a child’s love. They need me, so,

I learn.

I am.

I am in my middle years, I find purpose for me.

I know the need to achieve, not for necessity,

But for satisfaction.

I learn.

I am

I am a grandmother, I am immortal

I see me in this little person.

She has my hair, she has my temper.

I learn.

I am.

I am brave; I set out for new adventures.

I learn new things, I meet new people.

I find love, real and strong.

I learn.

I am.

I am all the people I was before, I am still learning.

I thirst for knowledge; I hunger for what is unknown.

I learn.

I am.

I am sick, they tell me forever. I cannot be stopped,

Only slowed a little, from time to time.

I learn.

I am.

I am here to learn, to share, and to be.

I am here to learn

I am here to find out who

I am.

Curiosity Killed the Cat

      Curiosity killed the cat. Everyone has heard this saying. I would like to add that satisfaction brought it back. Curiosity also landed on the red planet early this morning at 1:32 am EDT. Nerds of the world rejoice! We did. My daughter and I were watching the event unfold on TV while chatting /texting with our Nerds of choice, sharing the historic event.
An accomplishment such as this restores my faith in human ingenuity and tenacity.
   
     I feel slightly better about the survival of the species in the long run. Someday in the far distant future mining or colonizing other planets may offer the best or only hope of the continuation of humans as a species.
  
    On a lighter note my daughter and her friends were wondering what marvels they would find on Mars. Would they prove that the red planet was once a host to living organisms? Are there microbes there now? Is that funny looking rock fossilized Martian poo?
 
     Whatever they find will have been worth the journey. It is a tremendous accomplishment for all people, a small step towards the future. Every journey has to start with that one small step. I hope we are smart enough as a species to never stop being curious and to never be afraid to take that next step.

First Post: Happy Dance!

      Hello world. this is my little place on the web. The word scripturient means "to have a violent desire to write", so like the title says, I have to write. I write about everything. Everyday events and stories on the news gets my imagination flowing. Too many of these “what if’s” stay stuck in my head. Held prisoner by my own lack of belief in my ability to share these stories and characters. I know my friends are sick to death of hearing ,”there is a story there.” or ,”What if….” . That’s just me and always has been.
      I blame my Grandfather who was a great story-teller. He could take a mundane event from his childhood and color it into a grand adventure. I made up stories for my kids when they were little. We made our own fairy tales and put the kids in there as characters. I shamelessly took elements from TV, movies, and stories I had read when I was little myself. I won’t be doing that here.
     They say there is nothing new in the world, I do not agree. Even if we say the same thing it will be in a different voice from a different perspective, thus making it new again.